What are Lavender Marriages?

“I’m actually married to a gay man…. We actually do everything together. We raise children together. And there’s no relationship bullshit.”

In her post, TikTok influencer Kaycee Cutts gives some short and simple advice: single women should seriously consider following her lead and marrying a gay man. 

Why? She admits that while they sometimes get on one another’s nerves, most of the time it’s “chill.”

The video has garnered millions of views and is marked with a simple description: 

I said what I said 🤭 #gaymendoitbetter #lavendermarriage

Suddenly, a term that most had never heard of is popping up everywhere. Google searches for  “lavender marriages” spiked nearly 400% in 2024. Dating apps started to see profiles explicitly seeking platonic life partners. 

Young people, already facing astronomical rent prices and an increasingly volatile world, were suddenly asking themselves: what if marriage didn’t have to be about romance at all?

Lavender Marriages: A New Idea That’s Not That New

The reality is that lavender marriages are nothing new. In fact, they’re a unique part of queer history that dates back nearly a century.

Born in a time when being openly LGBTQ+ could cost you everything, these marriages between people of opposite genders (where one or both partners identified as queer) often served as protective shields in a hostile society.

Today’s revival of the lavender marriage tells a different story. While historical lavender marriages were often built on the need for survival through secrecy, the modern version is more of an intentional choice.

It’s Gen Z and millennials rejecting a script that says marriage must center on romance. 

Now, the rise of lavender marriages is challenging an economy that favors couples – as individuals choose to transparently build partnerships based on friendship and mutual care.

The Origins of Lavender Marriages: When Love was Illegal

Before we can examine what lavender marriages are today, we need to go back and look at the roots of the movement.

The term itself – "lavender marriage" – actually carries with it an entire hidden history of queer survival. The color lavender has been deeply entwined with LGBTQ+ identity for centuries, with many tracing it back to the ancient Greek poet Sappho, who wrote of women adorned with "violet tiaras" in her love poems from the island of Lesbos. 

By the 1890s, lavender had become more explicitly coded, such as when Oscar Wilde wrote of “purple hours” in his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray. Many saw this reference to lavender as a subtle hint at homosexual encounters, particularly bold in a time when being direct could mean imprisonment – something Wilde himself would tragically discover.

But it wasn’t until the 1920s that the practice of lavender marriages emerged (though they likely existed informally long before anyone named them.) 

Hollywood's golden age set the perfect stage for these arrangements to flourish, particularly as movie studios wielded absolute control of their perfectly curated stars’ images. 

Many would insert “morality clauses” into contracts that allowed them to terminate anyone who brought "public hatred, contempt, scorn, or ridicule" upon themselves.

And in an industry notorious for fantasy and desire, being exposed as homosexual wasn't just career-limiting—it was career-ending.

The Lavender Shade of the Red Scare

Hollywood was only part of the history of lavender. 

In Washington, D.C., government employees often faced similar terrors, particularly during the 1950s "Lavender Scare," a lesser-known companion to McCarthyism's Red Scare. 

During the Lavender Scare, many US government officials argued publicly that homosexuals were inherently vulnerable to blackmail by communists. 

This claim gave justification to a systematic purge of federal employees, with many being investigated and fired based on suspicion alone. 

At one chilling point, the State Department publicly bragged about its ability to “find and fire one homosexual each day.” 

Lavender Marriages As Acts of Courage

The message was clear: visibility meant destruction for those in the queer community. And thus, lavender marriages became survival strategies – often chosen by people who refused to let society's hatred destroy them entirely. 

For instance, a lesbian woman and a gay man might rendezvous at a bar, recognize one another’s unique predicament, and choose to build a life together. But this marriage was not built on love, but rather a desire to act as co-conspirators against a world that wanted them erased. 

For the most part, lavender marriages looked much like any other union. Couples maintained a household, attended company dinners, satisfied suspicious relatives, and created enough normalcy to deflect scrutiny. 

In private, they went on with their lives, maintaining their true identities and relationships.

In a strange twist of fate, many lavender marriages were orchestrated by Hollywood studios themselves, with executives playing matchmaker to protect their investments. 

Others came organically from within queer communities, where whisper networks would connect people who needed this particular kind of partnership. It was here that many believe the term "lavender" became a subtle code. 

To speak of a "lavender marriage" was to acknowledge an open secret while maintaining the plausible deniability that kept everyone safe.

What made these marriages particularly poignant was that they required their participants to become method actors in their own lives. Every public appearance, every photograph, every casual mention of "my wife" or "my husband" was both a performance and a small betrayal of self. 

Yet within these constraints, many found unexpected forms of genuine partnership. They shared interests, grew in mutual respect, and formed deep friendships – the kind that can only come from living sheltered together against a hostile world just outside the door.

Two Snapshots of Lavender Marriages from History

One of the most incredible aspects of historical lavender marriages isn't just that they existed, but how uniquely each could play out. 

Here are two examples from those early years – showing just how varied the catalysts and experiences themselves could be.

Rock Hudson & Phyllis Gates

Rock Hudson was one of early Hollywood's ideal specimens. At 6'5" and naturally handsome, Hudson was the star every leading lady wanted to work with. But Hudson held a secret, and by 1955, he was on the cusp of being outed by notorious gossip rag Confidential magazine.

Hudson’s agent, Henry Willson, allegedly struck a deal to orchestrate a marriage between Hudson and his secretary, Phyllis Gates.

Gates would later insist in her autobiography that she married for love and admit that she had no idea about Hudson's sexuality until years later. Others claim that she knew and was compensated for her participation.

Ultimately, Gates filed for divorce in 1958. Hudson never acknowledged his sexuality publicly, and it was only after his death in 1985 due to AIDS complications that the truth became undeniable. Many credit Hudson’s death as one of the sparks of the cultural shift toward AIDS reckoning in the US.

Eleanor & Franklin Roosevelt

Lest we think that all lavender marriages were about hiding homosexuality, the Roosevelts' arrangement shows how many sought the arrangement for other reasons.

The story goes that when Eleanor discovered Franklin's affair with her secretary Lucy Mercer in 1918, she had grounds for divorce. But choosing divorce would have destroyed Franklin's political career and would have left Eleanor financially vulnerable.

So, rather than end their marriage, the two reportedly negotiated a new kind of marriage. Franklin and Eleanor remained partners in public and politics, but lived very separate lives. 

Eleanor moved into her own cottage at Hyde Park and reportedly developed a relationship with journalist Lorena Hickok. Franklin followed his own desires, including a long-term arrangement with his secretary, Missy LeHand.

The reality is that their choice to step into a lavender arrangement may have supported one of history's most consequential partnerships. Freed from the constraints of traditional marriage, Eleanor transformed the role of First Lady, championing civil rights, women's rights, and economic justice.

The Gen Z Revival of Lavender Marriages

By the time marriage equality arrived, lavender marriages as a survival strategy had largely faded into history. 

Yet even as traditional lavender marriages declined, the last few years have shown something happening just under the surface. Rather than die to history, lavender marriages actually evolved.

Younger generations have begun to ask similar, yet different questions: If marriage didn't have to be hidden, what else did it not have to be? 

If we could reimagine who we married, could we reimagine why we married?

Gen Z and millennials are reconsidering everything about partnership – we need only look at the numbers.

Reports show that these two generations are spending 31% more on housing than millennials did a decade ago, even when accounting for inflation. A 2024 Pew Research study found that 60% of young adults now view marriage primarily as a financial partnership. 

It makes you wonder: when survival in capitalism requires two incomes, why not choose your economic teammate based on compatibility rather than chemistry?

But economics only tells one part of this story. We must also remember that this generation has grown up watching their parents' marriages dissolve at historic rates. They’re also swiping through never-ending dating apps that promise connection but deliver exhaustion.

If marriage was invented when life expectancy was 35 and women couldn't own property, why should its 21st-century version look the same?

Social media has turned these private questions into public conversations. Scroll through Instagram or TikTok, and you’ll find accounts full of individuals openly seeking platonic marriage partners. 

Many share their experiences in aromantic partnerships, and others explain how they're raising children with their best friends instead of romantic partners.

The Gottman Institute's research supports what many of these couples are experiencing in lavender marriages: deep friendship is actually a better predictor of relationship satisfaction than sexual chemistry. 

Modern Dynamics of Lavender Marriages

Today’s lavender marriages operate on entirely different principles than their historical versions. 

For example, where secrecy was once the norm, transparency is now essential for long-term success. Some couples entering lavender marriages will create detailed agreements to ensure both sides know what they’re getting into.

These boundary negotiations can be intricate:

• Can you date other people?
• If so, are there rules about bringing them home?
• How do you handle it if one person develops romantic feelings for the other?
• What if one partner wants children and the other doesn't?

These conversations were likely impossible in traditional lavender marriages. Now, they happen openly, and you can even find therapists specializing in alternative relationship structures.

Legal considerations are complex. Partners must still work with systems that were originally built around romantic coupling. For instance, health insurance might cover a spouse but not a platonic life partner. Immigration law recognizes marriage but not “deep friendship.”

Both straight and LGBTQ+ communities often struggle to understand these relationships. Many in the straight society wonder why anyone would marry without romance. Some in the queer community view lavender marriages as a form of regression, a return to hiding. 

But many advocates argue that lavender marriages are an example of radical honesty. It’s admitting that the marriage ideal sold to us might not fit everyone and building something that does.

Rewriting the Rules of Love

The story of lavender marriages includes the ingredients that all good love stories are made from: human resilience and creativity. 

In the face of oppression, queer people created relationships that allowed them to survive while maintaining a level of authenticity. They found ways to create families, build careers, and find community in a world that wanted them to remain invisible or, worse, dead. 

Today, they continue to write a story that shows there are no limits to imagination when it comes to love and partnership. For decades, many have been told there’s only one narrative: find “the one,” fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after.

Lavender marriages – both historical and modern – whisper that there may be other stories worth telling.  

• What if your life partner didn’t have to be your everything?
• What if platonic love were just as valid a reason for legal union as romantic love?
• What if marriage could be about creating stable households for raising strong, resilient children? Pooling resources for thriving, not just surviving life? For enjoying life alongside someone you genuinely enjoy? 

We’re moving into an uncertain future. One where LGBTQ+ rights remain under threat and economic inequality makes solo living increasingly impossible. 

But it’s these moments that remind us that lavender marriages are an example of human ingenuity and creativity amid the backdrop of uncertainty. We've always found ways to care for each other, even when society said that care was illegal, immoral, or impossible.

So maybe the question isn't whether lavender marriages are good or bad, real or fake, modern or outdated. 

Maybe the question is: What would our relationships look like if we built them based on what we actually need instead of what we're supposed to want? 

What would love look like if we admitted that one size has never fit all?

The answer might just be lavender.